Penis Owner Instructions
Welcome to the world wide
family of penis owners. We trust that you will enjoy many
years of trouble free service from yours. To help ensure
that you will, we encourage you to familiarize yourself with
the following equipment descriptions, operating instructions
and maintenance requirements.
Body and Interior Specifications
Average length and
3.5 x 1.25 inches
Average length and
5.1 x 1.6 inches
Average percent increase
in volume, flaccid to erect
Amount of blood in erect
8 to 10 x normal
Average erections per
night (while sleeping)
Average duration of each
20 to 30 minutes
value (good condition model)
Average length and width
1.4 x 1 inch
0.875 x 1.75
Compartments within each
Average body's production
minute/72 million per day (and remember lads, it
only takes 1!)
Days to maturity
Number in ejaculate of
average fertile man
200 to 600
Number of ejaculate of
Less than 50
Percentage of total
3% - 5%
Average swimming speed
1 to 4
millimeters per minute
Average life span once
1 month in you, 1
to 2 days in woman, 2 minutes on sheets
|Average volume of
||0.5 to 1 teaspoon
||5 calories per
||6 milligrams per
|Average number of
||3 to 10
of ejaculatory contractions
||7 to 13 ounces
||7 to 8 ounces per
The key to your
sexual ignition is not between your legs, it's inside your
head. The brain is man's biggest sex organ, sending nerve
impulses running down the spinal cord to trigger an
erection. Keep in mind though that since arousal is an
electrical spark traveling the neural motorway it can be
dulled by a repetitive commute. So vary your starting
procedure, explore side roads, stop at a roadside service
area, let your partner drive, or, when applicable, road-test
a new model.
If your penis fails
to become erect, even after repeated cranking, or if you
have trouble maintaining an erection, let it idle for a
while. Just about every man experiences an occasional
erection problem, so try not to let it bother you. If you do
it can develop into a psychological problem that can require
extensive systems analysis to remedy. Chances are you are
just temporarily flooded with work worries, anxiety or
fatigue - all of which can temporarily foul your engine.
The Flow of Urine.
The penis contains a narrow hose called the urethra that is
attached to the bladder. As the urine level approaches the
bladder's maximum capacity line, you get the urge to pull
over. When released, urine is flushed through the urethra,
out the tip of the penis and, according to most women,
usually on to the floor next to the toilet. Acting as a
regulator for this process is the Pubococcygeal (PC) muscle.
This is what you flex to stop urine flow or rid yourself of
those last few drops. (It can also serve as an orgasm
regulator. See Troubleshooting" later in this document.
Rigid Enough to Allow Penetration During Sexual Intercourse.
Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic chambers. During
sexual stimulation, these fill with blood until the penis
grows firm and erect. After stimulation ends or there's
ejaculation, blood leaves these chambers and the penis
softens again. There is usually a recovery or "refractory"
period ranging from a few minutes to a full day (depending
on the equipment's age) before another erection can occur.
About half of the penis is hidden inside the body, even when
erect. It is fastened to the pelvis undercarriage for
Semen Within The Vagina During Ejaculation.
Semen is manufactured
inside the testicles, those two ball joints below the drive
shaft. From here, it passes into a soft, fibrous organ
behind each testicle called the epididymis, where it
acquires the long tail necessary for swimming. Sperm then
enters the Vas Deferens for storage. This thin hose loops
around and splices into the urethra just below the bladder.
When it's time to shift into sexual high gear, sperm is
mixed with liquid from the prostate gland and adjoining
seminal vesicles. The resulting transmission fluid, called
semen, gathers in a holding tank, which gradually swells to
pinch the bladder shut and prevent urine from trickling in.
Finally the semen is expelled from the body via the urethra
by a series of muscular contractions.
The testicles need
to be slightly cooler than normal body temperature for
optimum sperm production. That's why they hang away from the
body. Hot baths and tight underwear can depress sperm count
Never operate your
penis while under the influence of alcohol. Although alcohol
lowers inhibitions, most men have less than optimum
erections when inebriated. The fear this generates can lead
to more frequent bouts of impotence.
Your privates did
not come equipped with a spare tyre. Any roll of fat around
your middle was an after-market acquisition that will void
the warranty if left in place. It not only interferes with
sexual performance but also makes the penis look smaller.
Men naturally deposit fat in their abdomen, which includes
the area at the base of the penis. As the spare tyre
inflates, this pad thickens and eventually engulfs a portion
of the organ - one inch for every 35 extra pounds. Being
overweight is also commonly linked atherosclerosis, or
narrowing of the arteries, a primary cause of impotence. It
also makes you look silly.
To ensure a long, active life
for your privates. It's recommended that you engage in
frequent sex. "When the male is stimulated to high sexual
output during his formative years and a similar tenor of
activity is established for the 31 to 40 year age range, his
latter years are usually marked by maintained sexuality.
shows that it generally takes three to five minutes for the
flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once
sexual stimulation begins. This reaction at least doubles
acceleration on slick surfaces. Failing to do so could cause
partial or complete loss of control.
Slamming on the
brakes whilst driving at high speed can result in a painful
condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in the
testicles. If ejaculation doesn't occur and sexual
excitement continues, the resulting congestion in the
arteries in that area causes a dull pain, like that of an
In order to become
familiar with the natural feel of your equipment and learn
how it responds in different situations high speed sexual
driving on a closed circuit can be helpful. According to a
recent survey, nearly one tenth of British men do this
weekly (a greater ration in the North of England naturally).
And contrary to popular belief , it will not harm your
equipment, in fact, it can be viewed as good practice lap
for sex, where you're forever flirting with the limits of
Engaging the Choke
ejaculation and extend love making, engage "the choke". This
technique involves firmly squeezing the top of the penis
just behind it's head prior to orgasm.
Any impact to the
area where the penis attaches to the pelvis can disrupt its
Your privates were
designed and developed for optimum performance and
efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuels cause
cholesterol build-up in arteries and veins, thereby reducing
blood flow to and from your privates and causing hard
starting or stalling. In fact, every one-point increase in
your total cholesterol correlates to an almost 1.5 times
greater risk of erection problems. To avoid this use fuel
that has a fat combination below 30 percent and is low is
cholesterol and high in fiber. Such fill-ups will greatly
reduce circulatory-system deposits.
gives the body a deep healthful lustre that lends protection
improves performance and helps is hold it's value for
longer. Exercise not only makes the body more fit for sex
but also stimulates the mind by making you feel sexier. ABS
- Your abdominal muscles (abs) are the chief thrusting
muscles for intercourse. To strengthen them, do crunches.
These exercises are just like sit-ups except that you don't
raise your body up as far. Simply lie on your back with your
hands crossed over your chest Lift your shoulders six to
eight inches off the floor, while trying to bring your chin
to your chest. You'll feel a tightening in your gut.
One third of all
penile ruptures occur during lovemaking. They're caused by
sudden shifts in position or by awkward attempts at parallel
parking with the partner on top. The tearing of tissue that
occurs within an erect penis is often audible and always
extremely painful. Such injures tend to happen where there
is a lack of space, such as between the steering wheel and
drivers seat. To protect yourself and your passenger always
use turn signals before changing positions.
recommended that you wear an athletic support (jock strap)
for activities that involve running, jumping and sudden
movement. This device tucks the testicles close to the
undercarriage to protect them from jarring.
underwear may contribute to impotence because of the static
electricity generated by man made materials. Loose 100%
cotton shorts are recommended.
Your privates are
the result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving the
factory, every effort was made to ensure that they were in
good working condition. To keep them running smoothly
regular maintenance is required.
To Be Done Daily
important for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin and
wash around the head of the penis every day.
To Be Done Weekly (At least)
Sex is the best
exercise for your privates. Regularly flushing the system
with nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm
production, prostate health and overall good performance.
When intercourse is not possible, consider revving your
To Be Checked Monthly
After taking a warm
bath or shower to relax the scrotum, you should gently roll
each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth and
oval shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg with out
the shell. Compress it gently, searching for any hard areas
or lumps that don't feel like the surrounding tissue.
Once your equipment
reaches forty years old, have your prostate checked
annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a doughnut
and, if left to enlarge, can reduce an older man's urine
stream to a dribble. Prostate cancer is also a concern. Both
of these problems can be avoided if detected early. A
complete yearly inspection should include three things: A
digital rectal exam (sorry mate but we're talking finger
here, not computer). A blood test for prostate-specific
antigens (psa), an early warning sign of trouble. An
ultrasound scan to create a visible image of the tissue.
Using your privates
for anything other than their intended purpose voids all
warranties, written or implied.
The frequency of
20-29 year olds =
4-5 times weekly
30-39 year olds =
2-4 times weekly
40-49 year olds =
1-2 times weekly
50-59 year olds =
0-1 times weekly
60 plus = 1-2 times
Shag nasty = 5 times
daily! (Oh Yes my friends)
Automatic Systems Check
Each night, your
privates automatically run a self-diagnostic systems check.
Most times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic
erections will occur whilst you're asleep, as will an
occasional emission. Do not be alarmed. Your privates are
simply flushing themselves with fresh blood and oxygen to
stay in optimum working condition. If you have a reasonable
doubt this is happening, do the following test: Wrap some
postage stamps from a roll firmly around the base of your
penis and tape the ends together. The next morning, if the
stamps are torn along the perforation, you've had an
erection. (If you wake up in Newcastle sorting office with a
postmark, try the test again, but don't sleep so close to
apply gentle upward pressure under the base of the penis.
This will usually squeeze out any remaining drops and
prevent any embarrassing stains on the upholstery.
Checking Under the Bonnet
Your penis comes
from the factory with its head completely covered by a
fleshly protective foreskin. Some penis owners have had this
foreskin surgically removed by an authorized mechanic via
circumcision. This is usually performed for religious and/or
aesthetic reasons because, if basic hygiene is followed, the
presence or absence of a bonnet does not affect sensitivity,
sexual performance or susceptibility to mechanical failure.
Disposing of Used Oil
indiscriminately discarded, used oil can foul the bedroom
environment. Flavored lubes leave a sticky residue the
required a soap-and-water scrubbing. Most no flavored brands
wipe clean with a towel.
Your privates are
exposed to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration and
vaginal fluids (some of which in my experience can be more
corrosive than others). To protect the finish, trim and
exposed under body , it's important to wash often and
thoroughly. Scrub any dirt and salt from crevices in the
undercarriage and check that all drain holes are free from
debris. After washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry
before parking in a confined space. If required you may
polish your privates immediately.
Minor Ships and Scratches
The skin of the
penis and testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing and
small cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap
and water and apply an antiseptic ointment.
If you get hit in
the testicles, scream, lie down, apply an ice-packed cloth
and take some deep breaths. If there's swelling and the pain
doesn't subside within a few minutes, continue the icing and
get to a garage and seek mechanical assistance. A severe
groin injury can cause sterility.
outlined are intended to serve only as guides to locate and
temporarily correct minor faults or worries. Causes of
unsatisfactory performance should be investigated and
corrected by your doctor.
Penis seems small.
Left testicle is slightly
larger and hangs lower than the right one.
Erections do not occur as
quickly, nor are they as firm as they were.
Ejaculation happens way
Ejaculation isn't as
forceful or as plentiful as it once was.
Pain in testicle.
Few men are satisfied
with the size of their penis. Keep in mind
that the average vagina is just three to
five inches long.
Rarely are both testicles
identical. In fact, the left one hangs lower
in 80 percent of all cases.
This is common with older
models. However, exercising regularly,
following a low-fat diet, avoiding smoking
and limiting alcohol are all antidotes, as
is longer and more creative foreplay.
Try strengthening your PC
muscle with Kegel exercises. The PC is the
muscle you use to stop urine flow. Contract
it now to familiarize yourself with the
feeling. What you just did was a Kegel. Do
20, 50, 100 or more daily - at your desk or
in the bath. Since it's the same muscle that
contracts for ejaculation, strengthening it
will give you more control during sex.
Such misfiring often
occurs with older engines. In fact, with
vintage models, ejaculation may not occur at
all, although an orgasm is experienced
Intermittent twinges are
common, and anything that lasts less than a
minute or so is no cause for worry.
Testicular pain that builds gradually is
usually caused by an infection or
inflammation. Consult a certified mechanic
or authorized dealership.
AVAILABLE OPTIONS/UPGRADES - Customize your
privates to fit all your lifestyle needs
Enjoy worry free
motoring by having a trained technician cut the Vas
Deferens, thereby preventing sperm from reaching the
urethra. It's a safe quick (seven to ten minute), effective
means of birth control, plus the sensation of ejaculation
remains unchanged. Available in traditional snip or modern
Preserve the raw
beauty of your libido with testosterone! This potent male
hormone, manufactured chiefly in the testicles, is
responsible for your sexual desire and, to some degree, your
erections. But production declines after age 50. Some men,
who have no physical problems but experience flagging
desire, may benefit from testosterone supplements, which can
be taken orally.